it's that time again...more emo...

She thinks it's that time again...
time to shut out the world...
time to rebuild walls and make others nonexistent...
because they don't understand.
time to be a bitch again.

time to stop looking for things that people can't give
to fill a need that can't be filled.
expecting others not to understand

support systems have dissipated,
they couldn't give either...

back to ice, eyebrows arched, smirking lips...
heartless bitch.
no one loves a heartless bitch, but that's ok because no one loved her before...
but the good thing about a heartless bitch is that, not only is she not giving up love (it already wasn't there), people see her coming and move...she doesn't get stepped on and because people don't get close, they don't get close enough to take

still thinking

i'm still thinking...

how do you not think?

he tells me not to think so much. he says i drive myself crazy. so is it my own fault i stress? is that the answer to my problems? to ignore that my problems exist??? double you tee eff! how can you NOT think? how can one not wonder, after a lifetime of being shit on by those you love and who are suppose to love you, why these people continue to shit on you? Is it them? is it me? everyone else in the world needs counseling...no, sweetheart, that's not being realistic...how can everyone else in the world be crazy how can you just happened to be the sane one...youre right, then....it must be me...i'm the crazy one... so now that i've come to the conclusion that i'm the crazy one, what is it about me that makes all these people not want to love me? what makes me weird to people? is there a sign invisible to only me springing from the top of my head that says, "love not this girl, but pretend to for awhile so that it hurts worse when she finds out you don't...harharhar..." seriously, what is it that needs to be fixed? tell me and i'll effen fix it. i'm beginning to think that all people are just selfish.

i wish he loved me. but you can't make someone love you. ok, so then what the eff you see kay is love anyways? is it something that is verbalized or is it just shown? are there different ways to say it besides "i love you." i think so... i say it to him all the time without really saying it...the way i look at him and tell him i care for him and tell him that he's beautiful... yeah, it all means "i love you," but i don't think he gets it...doesn't he get that if i say that exact phrase, he'll walk all over like he's already doing? oh but he doesn't mean to. he's going through a lot...after all, it was him that said it first and i did not respond out of fear, but he should hear me responding everytime i tell him i care an awful lot about him or everytime i act concerned for him or offer to help him in anyway that i can.

he says i mean so much, yet never calls...what does that mean? he says it means nothing and that he's just busy...but you'd think that if he meant when he says he wants to continue to see me, that he'd have enough passion for me to at least call once in a while or want to do things...you know, like walk in the park, or hang out at the mall holding hands, those things people do together when they've been dating for six months...and yet, never an "i love you," never...never an argument....but i guess we don't see each other enough to argue...